How it ends

Just a few nights ago, I was in a particularly fatalistic state of mind. A lot of times, I think in the moments before going to sleep. Sometimes I listen to music (with ear buds), and that was the case that night. Pandora was playing in my ear. I was feeling very melancholic and afraid. Mostly afraid of the ultimate complication: ceasing to live. In other words, my thoughts were swimming in uncertainty. I then had the feeling that this was inevitable. It had to happen. It was never a question of whether to have surgery or not, but rather to have one soon or later. And choosing later only increases the odds of more complications. Then this song came on, and depressed the crap out of me. But that’s only because it seemed to strike the very core of what I was feeling. And it helped me process, because when I heard it… the waterworks began. I appreciate songs that bring the deep to the surface. It’s not a happy song, but still a beauty I think. And one that captures the feeling of doubt overcoming hope.

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How It Ends by DeVotchKa

Hold your grandmother’s Bible to your breast.
Gonna put it to the test.
You wanted it to be blessed.
And in your heart,
You know it to be true,
You know what you gotta do.
They all depend on you.
And you already know.
Yeah, you already know how this will end.

There is no escape,
From the slave-catchers’ songs.
For all of the loved ones gone.
Forever’s not so long.
And in your soul,
They poked a million holes.
But you never let ’em show.
C’mon it’s time to go.

And
You
Already know.
Yeah, you already know
How this will end.

Now you’ve seen his face.
And you know that there’s a place,
In the sun,
For all that you’ve done,
For you and your children.
No longer shall you need.
You always wanted to believe,
Just ask and you’ll receive,
Beyond your wildest dreams.

And
You
Already know.
Yeah, you already know
How this will end.

You already know (you already know)
You already know (you already know)
You already know (how this will end)

8 comments

  1. Chris R says:

    Old Facbook comments:

    Chris Rodriguez
    @Marie: Thank you. I think you might be onto something with the feeling thing. Hm…
    June 29 at 11:55am

    Chris Rodriguez
    @Jeanine: Love you, preems. Thanks for the nice words :)

    @ Matella: Very true, sister. It’s important to note the difference between KNOWING something, and FEELING like you know something. This is me feeling, not knowing. I’m no psychic. Just afraid and writing it out. Truth is I have no idea how anything will turn out. I’m just digesting these thoughts and feelings and spitting them out into words.
    June 24 at 8:55am

    Marie Lakanlale
    Christian, Your posts are awe inspiring to say the least. They are written with such honesty, you words move me. So many people take their health for granted. I had no idea what you were going through when we were kids. All I knew was that you were very sick. I can’t even imagine the level of pain and despair you must be going through. I like to think that you are probably one of those people that feels deeper than most. I guess it’s a double-edged sword. Hopefully, at some point in your life, you will be able to feel joy at a level that most of us cannot.
    June 25 at 12:28am

    Maytrella Rodriguez-Guevara
    wow, it is a profound song. you may think you know…but life can also bring so many surprises, as well as the unexpected…this is a normal thought frame and always easier to go that route…but you know Chris-pee, any one of us just ‘be gone’ in a moment for any reason, we just don’t contemplate it because we ‘feel’ healthy… love you
    June 24 at 8:49am

    Jeannine Prado Macedo
    Chris! …. Mi cuzin… This song is deep; I found myself taking unavoidable deep breaths. I’m sorry that once again you find yourself in a painful lifetime. I will pray for you cuzin & I want to remind you that I love you! I have cool (yet physically painful, lol) memories with you; you were so freakishly strong lol – & I always looked up to you for the inteligent person you have always been… You are in My thoughts & payers. I love u chris!
    June 23 at 10:29pm

  2. Chris R says:

    Old Facbook comments:

    Chris Rodriguez
    @Marie: Thank you. I think you might be onto something with the feeling thing. Hm…
    June 29 at 11:55am

    Chris Rodriguez
    @Jeanine: Love you, preems. Thanks for the nice words :)

    @ Matella: Very true, sister. It’s important to note the difference between KNOWING something, and FEELING like you know something. This is me feeling, not knowing. I’m no psychic. Just afraid and writing it out. Truth is I have no idea how anything will turn out. I’m just digesting these thoughts and feelings and spitting them out into words.
    June 24 at 8:55am

    Marie Lakanlale
    Christian, Your posts are awe inspiring to say the least. They are written with such honesty, you words move me. So many people take their health for granted. I had no idea what you were going through when we were kids. All I knew was that you were very sick. I can’t even imagine the level of pain and despair you must be going through. I like to think that you are probably one of those people that feels deeper than most. I guess it’s a double-edged sword. Hopefully, at some point in your life, you will be able to feel joy at a level that most of us cannot.
    June 25 at 12:28am

    Maytrella Rodriguez-Guevara
    wow, it is a profound song. you may think you know…but life can also bring so many surprises, as well as the unexpected…this is a normal thought frame and always easier to go that route…but you know Chris-pee, any one of us just ‘be gone’ in a moment for any reason, we just don’t contemplate it because we ‘feel’ healthy… love you
    June 24 at 8:49am

    Jeannine Prado Macedo
    Chris! …. Mi cuzin… This song is deep; I found myself taking unavoidable deep breaths. I’m sorry that once again you find yourself in a painful lifetime. I will pray for you cuzin & I want to remind you that I love you! I have cool (yet physically painful, lol) memories with you; you were so freakishly strong lol – & I always looked up to you for the inteligent person you have always been… You are in My thoughts & payers. I love u chris!
    June 23 at 10:29pm

  3. Med821 says:

    i felt the same way about linkin parks ‘waiting for the end’ …and i think you’re right… sometimes you just need something to shake your core and make you cry… you really need that emotional release soemtimes

  4. Med821 says:

    i felt the same way about linkin parks ‘waiting for the end’ …and i think you’re right… sometimes you just need something to shake your core and make you cry… you really need that emotional release soemtimes

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