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God (again)

I’ve got 12 years of Catholic education behind me and a couple of extremely devout parents. The God topic is far from done on this blog. I never had SOLID faith growing up. I always felt (especially during religion class) that I was being told how great and forgiving God was, but my own experience felt many times devoid of God.

I guess I’ve been agnostic for as long as I can remember. As I grew, I leaned more and more towards atheism. But I still can’t shake the anger I feel towards God (life, nature, my own circumstance, etc.). And if I’m angry at God… well… that must mean I believe in him at least enough to dislike him.

What I’m saying is… that I know nothing. Just like I have ups and downs, so does my faith. I’m a conditional believer, perhaps.

Since it’s the holiday season, I was watching “It’s A Wonderful Life.” There’s a scene where George Bailey is at his breaking point (having lost most of what he worked for his whole life), and has no one to turn to. He chooses that moment to pray:

This reminds me of my own back-and-forth with God. Sometimes, it can feel SO overwhelming, it’s almost as if my soul aches for something way bigger than myself. But does that exist? Hm…

Just as this post was written out of desperation and ANGER, now comes a post written out of desperation and LOSS (inspired by George Bailey):

Dear God,

I do not know what to do. I am stretched to my limits. Help me find inner peace. I know not to ask for health anymore. That was perhaps a naive and unrealistic dream. Take care of my family. Tell me what to do. I’m struggling. I want to live and experience, not simply survive. Give me your hand. I do not yet feel it. Help me cope. I ask for just a break…just… anything to ease up. I know I’ve been quite a skeptical “lamb” of yours, but surely you can see my point, no? Help me, God, please. Point me in the right direction. If you ever had a message for me, I’m listening.


Your wounded, agnostic, on/off follower, Chris

When life gives you lemons…

Lemonade? Really?

…sometimes you get a bunch of rotten, putrid fruit.

This is a tough one to write, but here goes. Deep breath in… Step aside, pride…and go:

What happens when a family of three (plus a dog) suddenly makes about $440.00 less per month due to my leave of absence?

We were doing all right at first. It was tight, but manageable. But then, our single car completely broke down, and we had to scramble to get a replacement vehicle. The purchase of the new car hurt us financially, but it was a necessity. We began leaking money each month. My EDD (Employment Development Dept.) checks were barely enough to cover rent. Some bills lapsed. Then others.

My wife, being the super woman she is, decided to enroll in school to become a medical assistant. The goal is to get a higher-paying gig. She currently works as a preschool teacher and goes to night school.

I got my first collection notice on an account this past week. I laughed at first. I thought, “Ha! Is THIS supposed to worry me? In the midst of all the medical bullshit? Yeah, right!”

THEN, to make things just a little more colorful, EDD is way late on my latest check. We’re over-drafted. A LOT. As in, okay, NOW I’m worried. I wish there was such a thing as an antidepressant for actual life situations. You know, something that dispensed reality in doses easy enough to handle, as opposed to this barrage of stress.

Now…you may or may not have noticed that Donate button on the top-right. I hate talking about money. I really do. But, damnit…I’ve been honest all along here. I can’t leave out a crucial part of my (and my wife’s) stress and worry.

I guess I’m asking for help. As much as it pains me to admit that we need it. Your donation will go towards insurance premiums, clinic co-payments, utilities, food, and gas. Thank you for reading. This sucks.

I don’t want to completely depress you, so here’s something probably many of us can relate to:


July 14, 2002. That was the night my wife and I officially became boyfriend and girlfriend. How cheesy :)

Seven years ago! Time flies.

I remember one of the very first gifts I gave her was a drawing I made of a rose (I had carefully torn it from my sketch pad).

Later, a 2-year old [kiddo] found the little rose drawing and ripped it up! She LOVED shredding things back then. My wife (then girlfriend) felt horrible, but I had no hard feelings. After all, her kiddo was only 2.

In honor of my wife here is a rose, also drawn by me, that can NOT be torn apart:

That’s a fresh drawing, since I drew it today. Literally, just minutes ago. You inspired me enough to do just want to do it out of thin air. I was just going to come online and WRITE about our 7 year anniversary.

On a really bad day, too (physically). That is, of course, until I thought of you.
Here’s to another seven. And seven after that…and on and on…