In general, I’m fatigued, with sore ribs. Eh, that’s expected, though. On the plus side, there’s been no fever so far (my wife bought me a thermometer to be sure). I’m being careful about paying attention to any new or worsening symptoms. I feel no worse than when I was discharged, and slightly better. Each day gets a little easier. Pneumonia-wise, it’s good news. I’ll knock this sucker out.
Besides this latest hospital scare, I hadn’t posted anything since September. There’s a reason for that. I had begun drinking my megacalorie shakes, which ended up backfiring. This bummed me out.
“Damn it, it’s a shake. How can I have issues digesting a friggin’ liquid? Why does it all have to be difficult? Why does it end with my vomit swirling down the drain?”
Those were my inner thoughts. Yet another failed attempt at weight gain. And before that, I had been trying to focus on positivity, and fostering happiness. But my practice in the land of gumdrops and rainbows is very new. It is quite easy to slip into the old comfort of defeat, resentment, and anger.
I figured I could just wait for some magic weight gain or magic treatment to work, so that I could update with good news. I wanted to keep the positive side alive online. However, since I knew my weight was not at all improved, and I felt defeated, I chose silence. Like they say: “if you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.”
That’s called regression. I just couldn’t face writing the truth (that nothing was improving). The old me took over. I felt that the truth meant a confirmation of my failure. And damn, I was tired of failing. No news was easier to handle. Easier to ignore. Easier to deny. Sound familiar? But that’s enough of that. I’m sick of my own immaturity. This is what happened since before these recent pneumonia posts:
Eventually, we DID move into our own apartment. We’ve been here since late October 2010, and liking it so far.
And, again, I tried lowering the fat content in the same shake. I handled it better, but was still unable to consume enough calories to actually gain. Then I tried a low-fat diet. Simple pastas, soups, yogurt, fruit, etc. But still, no gain. I tried eating more, slowly adding in snacks. Everytime I tried pushing it, the result was the same: my head over a toilet. A damned forced bulimic.
Psst, some might find the following to be offensive material. Click away now, if you’re one of those folks. Then again, if you’ve read this blog all along, you should be used to that, but hey. Warning served.
Sidenote: if you ARE voluntarily (not due to medical injury) anorexic or bulimic, go fuck yourself. Eat some goddamn food and use the working organs life gave you. You make me sick, wasting a precious resource. You’re too fucking skinny, you idiot. Don’t waste a perfectly good stomach. In fact, I wish you had mine. Maybe then you’d be crying about how you wish you could eat again. Maybe then you’d see how stupid you were when you shoved your finger down your deluded throat. The thought of you gorging yourself like a hog, only to then throw it up ON PURPOSE, is preposterous. It’s an outrage. Some of us don’t have the luxury of choosing NOT to throw up. But you do. Get sick, for real, fucko. Shut your bitching and take advantage of the body you have. Did I say fuck you, yet? Oh I did. Well, fuck you, again, retard.
Ahem. That was refreshing. Now where was I?
Oh yeah… so I continued with the low fat, easier to digest diet. Nausea-wise, it helped. But one has to eat a lot of low fat food to gain weight on it. And my issue is my stomach/guts move slowly. If I ever try eating when I’m not hungry (just to get more calories), my stomach literally gets tight as a drum. And unless I take it super easy (by not continuing to eat), that pressure erupts like a volcano. And with it go my day’s contents of food. And all those preciously needed calories. And all the work that went into the attempt.
So I stopped straining my stomach in order to lower the instances of vomiting. It worked, but I’m stuck at the same weight. I can’t break 80 lbs. That’s crazy.
For months it’s been this way; with me eating light food, and using “herbs” to keep nausea at bay. Much less vomiting is the main improvement.
This is why I didn’t update. Because there was nothing new to report but my failed attempts at weight gain. And rereading my entries before I took my hiatus, I sounded so positive and ready for the challenge. Asi es la vida.
Then, eventually I developed this pneumonia bug. And we know why that happened. The same slow stomach empties at such a glacial pace that it sometimes would rather empty through my mouth. And if I’m asleep when that happens and I inhale it… well, just read the previous few posts.
I had also blogged about exercising with the Iron Gym I purchased. I kept it up. But I noticed after the second week, my abs were feeling almost injured. It confused me. Muscle pain would make sense, since you’re supposed to feel a bit sore after a workout. But this was different. I began to feel…something…on my right side, just below my ribs. Something I hadn’t felt before. The more I worked on ab exercises, the more tender the area got. Once, I bent forward (probably to tie a shoe), and in that same area I felt an intense sharp pain. It lasted about 10 seconds. I doubled over, and felt the area. Something inside me was seizing up, because it wasn’t soft. It felt like a muscle stuck in a cramp.
This formally postponed the exercise. Had I developed a hernia of some type? Did I have a new mass present? It had to be something, and it needed attention. I went to my doctor, and he ordered an ultrasound of my abdomen. The test result showed that what they could see looked fine. But the test result also mentioned a large portion of my organs couldn’t be seen due to my anatomy (all my adult organs shoved into a small torso) and increased gas buildup in my stomach. There’s that gastroparesis causing more crap. In other words, I learned nothing from the ultrasound. Doc then ordered an MRI, to check for any masses. The MRI covered my whole back. Good news: no masses found. I remain cancer-free.
“Good news for my spine and cancer, doc, but what about the abdominal pain?”
He explained MRI’s do detect masses, but are poor at imaging organs. Due to this, my doctor referred me out to see a gastroenterologist (stomach/guts specialist, aka GI specialist) to discuss the issue of organ crowding. It is my own intuition, that since my torso is compacted due to the kyphosis, organs may be getting pinched or squeezed and resulting in this newer pain. I’m still waiting for the referral to be completed. I’m guessing the GI doc will order a CT scan or something similar (an exam meant to look at soft tissues).
My regular doc also ordered a referral for me to be seen at the UC Davis Spine Center, a clinic devoted exclusively to spinal care. This is to discuss my kyphosis and any possibilities I might have in correcting my bone structure. Also to discuss back pain and any ideas they might have in that regard. I already made the appointment for later this month.
My break from the blog wasn’t all bad, though. Very eye-opening, actually. And surprisingly positive. But I’ll save that for the next post. This was just a needed venting of pent up steam.