For some months now, I have really been taking it easy on my stomach. That means I haven’t pushed it. I haven’t stressed it (well, very little, anyway). I’ve eaten when I’ve been hungry, and that’s about it. I found a really decent medication schedule that’s kept me MOSTLY free from vomiting. I’d say these days I barf about once a month, versus once a week or even once a day. Much better than before. BUT – since I’m not pushing it at all, I’m not gaining weight.
My quality of life feels much improved without so much turmoil, but there’s also a lot than can still be improved. I NEED to gain weight. Bottom line. But how?
Last time I gave it a good shot was a couple years ago (or less) when I attempted to gain weight using a feeding tube to “drink” formula while I slept. But that ended terribly. The formula (I tried 3 different kinds: Resouce, Jevity, Nutren) was extremely heavy feeling. Almost everyday, I’d wake up incredibly nauseous and before you know it – BLARGGHHH!!! Then I tried other formula that I drank normally, or in shake form (I tried Ensure and Benecalorie), but the same thing happened. Finally, I gave up with the formulas. I layed off my stomach. I babied it. In doing so, I got rid of an incredible amount of stress. No more worrying about puking each day.
But, here I am, still way underweight. Happier, yes, but not healthier. Every cold or flu I’ve gotten since then has caused weight loss which I haven’t recovered. I’m ready to give the formula another shot. My choice this time is Benecalorie. It comes in a 1.5 ounce cup. In that 1.5 ounce is 330 calories of fat and nutrition. That’s alot of calories packed in a tiny amount. To start, I plan on having one Benecalorie milkshake each day. The shake is 1 Benecalorie packet (330 cal) + 8 ounces of milk (150 cal) + 4 tablespoons of caffeine-free mocha cappuccino powder (200 cal) + ice = 680 calories in roughly 12 ounces, once it’s whipped/blended. Pretty good for a drink. And it tastes good.
Why do this now? Why risk messing with my stomach again, after the almost constant vomiting that happened last time? For one, I hadn’t worked out a proper and WORKING medication plan last time. Secondly, my mind is in a rather different place now.
Ever since sometime in December ’09, I started to make an effort to look for the positives in any given situation. Slowly but surely, as the days pass, it becomes easier (but not easy – it’s a daily improvement job) to be grateful, instead of complaining. The result of feeling more and more grateful, and less angry and resentful, is that I feel more rooted. I am enjoying life more, and I want to KEEP enjoying it. That means I’m here to stay. I belong. My feet are firmly planted.
I will gain weight and I will succeed. Am I tempting fate by writing that? I don’t think so. I just feel it’s time. Failure is not an option. It won’t happen. I’ll change tactics if I have to, but I won’t stop trying.
So, day one, week one. Just had my first Benecalorie shake about an hour ago.
My starting weight: 80 pounds. Yeah, 80. Ugh.
Wish me luck!