I’ve got 12 years of Catholic education behind me and a couple of extremely devout parents. The God topic is far from done on this blog. I never had SOLID faith growing up. I always felt (especially during religion class) that I was being told how great and forgiving God was, but my own experience felt many times devoid of God.
I guess I’ve been agnostic for as long as I can remember. As I grew, I leaned more and more towards atheism. But I still can’t shake the anger I feel towards God (life, nature, my own circumstance, etc.). And if I’m angry at God… well… that must mean I believe in him at least enough to dislike him.
What I’m saying is… that I know nothing. Just like I have ups and downs, so does my faith. I’m a conditional believer, perhaps.
Since it’s the holiday season, I was watching “It’s A Wonderful Life.” There’s a scene where George Bailey is at his breaking point (having lost most of what he worked for his whole life), and has no one to turn to. He chooses that moment to pray:
This reminds me of my own back-and-forth with God. Sometimes, it can feel SO overwhelming, it’s almost as if my soul aches for something way bigger than myself. But does that exist? Hm…
Just as this post was written out of desperation and ANGER, now comes a post written out of desperation and LOSS (inspired by George Bailey):
I do not know what to do. I am stretched to my limits. Help me find inner peace. I know not to ask for health anymore. That was perhaps a naive and unrealistic dream. Take care of my family. Tell me what to do. I’m struggling. I want to live and experience, not simply survive. Give me your hand. I do not yet feel it. Help me cope. I ask for just a break…just… anything to ease up. I know I’ve been quite a skeptical “lamb” of yours, but surely you can see my point, no? Help me, God, please. Point me in the right direction. If you ever had a message for me, I’m listening.
Your wounded, agnostic, on/off follower, Chris