Every now and then I suppose I’ll take a break from the writing. There can be a fine line between releasing the darkness and getting consumed by it. If I write day after day, it can get to be too depressing for me. I took a small break beginning with the wife posts. The result was almost a week of kissing, hugging, tears and saying “I love you” to each other. Just the kind of ammo I need.
I also forgot about the pain for moments at a time. It was great. I would have gladly never written another word after that last post.
But the pain came knocking harder. The last few days have been especially rough. It’s to the point where my eyes water spontaneously, out of the blue. I can feel better, but then I’ll be asleep. Pain or sleep? Such fucked up options.
On those bad days I feel like I’m losing myself. Those are days that I rely on full-strength meds (I otherwise half them). That means I am either drowsy, lethargic, or asleep. That, in turn, depresses me. That makes me want to lighten up on the meds so I can actually be present and be myself. But when I lighten up on the meds, the pain hits hard. Then I find it extremely difficult to not be an asshole about every little teeny, tiny annoyance I find. On those bad days I feel I lose my center. It scares me.
It’s just so frustrating and exhausting.
Today, at least, is very bearable (which is why I’m writing again).