Every now and then I suppose I’ll take a break from the writing. There can be a fine line between releasing the darkness and getting consumed by it. If I write day after day, it can get to be too depressing for me. I took a small break beginning with the wife posts. The result was almost a week of kissing, hugging, tears and saying “I love you” to each other. Just the kind of ammo I need.
I also forgot about the pain for moments at a time. It was great. I would have gladly never written another word after that last post.
But the pain came knocking harder. The last few days have been especially rough. It’s to the point where my eyes water spontaneously, out of the blue. I can feel better, but then I’ll be asleep. Pain or sleep? Such fucked up options.
On those bad days I feel like I’m losing myself. Those are days that I rely on full-strength meds (I otherwise half them). That means I am either drowsy, lethargic, or asleep. That, in turn, depresses me. That makes me want to lighten up on the meds so I can actually be present and be myself. But when I lighten up on the meds, the pain hits hard. Then I find it extremely difficult to not be an asshole about every little teeny, tiny annoyance I find. On those bad days I feel I lose my center. It scares me.
It’s just so frustrating and exhausting.
Today, at least, is very bearable (which is why I’m writing again).
It would be nice to make you forget about your pain. It saddens me to see the severity of the physical pain you have endured. I’m so sorry honey. I wish I were a genie (like the one in Aladdin.) I would gladly grant you that wish to be that little boy battling the cancer demon in a sword fight and after winning the battle, celebrating with your family in the park, playing on the monkey bars with your sisters and playing catch with your little brother. And then you meet a little Shawntel that sees what fun you all are having and wants to teach you to play hopscotch. You would have had the best childhood and lived life to the fullest. I know what you are going through right now is a constant reminder of the fucked up reality but I and your family as well as mine have your back and will continue to be there as your support and everlasting shining light. Inspiration has been the best thing anyone could have ever given me. And through you, I have found myself! Thank you so much bebe! I love you! You are my hero!!