There were many recesses and lunches where I sat in envy. ESPECIALLY during the times I rode around in a wheelchair. I’d watch the girls playing tag, their legs zigging and zagging flawlessly. I’d want their gracefulness.
I’d watch the boys on the basketball court. They’d make high jumps, their hips would pivot as they tried to avoid losing the bouncing ball. I’d want that athleticism.
Thankfully, I had my own set of nerdy friends who’d sit with me on the benches. But as I laughed and joked with them, I craved and craved to play with those other kids. Their physicality just looked so FUN. They bursted with life out there on the school yard.
Recess and lunch: Wonderful for the laughs I got from my buddies. Excruciating to see over and over the physical activities I wasn’t able to do. I envied the kids, but also began to resent them. They reminded me of what I could not do.
I don’t think it’s a mistake that I never got into the major sports (football, baseball, basketball, soccer). I think it was the resentment and the feeling that since I couldn’t even play the games myself, I wasn’t going to bother with it.
And the sports I DID like were all violence-related. First it was fake wrestling (Hogan, Andre the Giant), then boxing, and now mixed martial arts (UFC). While I know I could never be a fighter, it was different with those sports. I could understand 2 guys beating each other. I’d live vicariously (and still do sometimes) through the fighters as they fought. Especially some of these athletes today… how awesome it would be to have total muscle control and power over someone else. One of the great thrills I get is when I watch a fight and the underdog wins. I wish it could be me at least once.
Hi Chris! I always hated lunch and recess because I didn’t have any friends to hang out with. Thanks for making me laugh.
I know my 16 year old daughter has experienced some not all of your experiences. She was diagnosed with rare brain firbrosarcoma this past May on her 16th bday. I am going to have her read this because she is afraid to let her real feelings go. She is a fighter as obviously you are too. I think this will inspire her to write her story as well. Keep fighting. I agree with you that your current issues are due to having to have treatment at such a young age. I also agree with the cannibis. I have talked to several cancer surviors and they used it to gain and maintain their weight. Good luck and keep writing.
Dawn: Thank you for the comment. I hope the best for your daughter. She has youth on her side, as well as a caring mom. My advice to your daughter: Cancer’s not easy and life’s not fair. But that doesn’t mean we can’t rage against it, or be inspired to kick it’s ass, or cry, or laugh at the absurdity of it all. Be yourself. If you’re pissed, be pissed. If something brings you happiness, do it. Be well.