My deepest, darkest fantasy

This fantasy was born in a hospital room, while I was lying in recovery after the first major surgery.

It started with a prayer. I asked God with ALL my heart to “please make cancer into a real life demon.” I begged God over and over. I wanted cancer to be a physical being outside of my own body. I would have dreams where God granted me that wish. I would find myself (still a boy) with a shield and sword. Then I imagined myself walking up a steep mountain. Anger was my motivation. At the top of the mountain, I’d imagine a cave entrance. Inside lurked the cancer demon. I’d call him out and ask for a fight.

Then this dragon/gollum/beast/demon would come stalking out. In this fantasy I did not show or feel any fear. Only anger. I dropped my shield and sword and lunged right at the demon. I beat it’s face with my bare hands. I’d yell at it while I was hitting it. I’d say things like, “this is for puking” PUNCH “this is for the needles” PUNCH “this is for taking away my boyhood” PUNCH. I’d keep swinging straight into it’s head until there was nothing left but a bloody pulp and my broken fists.

As I grew, the fantasy remained. Only each time I dreamt it, I added new reasons to destroy the living shit out of that demon. Because each surgery or complication that arose only added to my anger. I’ve probably killed cancer 1000 times in that fantasy. How I wish it were a reality.

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